Whataphobia/Transcript
Hank Yarbo: Where did you find these signs that say, "Happy Birthday, Lacey"? Wanda Dollard: I didn't find them, Brainiac. I made them. Hank: Really? Wanda: Yeah. Hank: You know, that's some quality workmanship. You could go into business making signs like this. Except there's not a lot of people around here named Lacey. Kind of niche market. Wanda: I don't know whether to smack him or pat him on the head and tell him everything's gonna be alright. Brent Leroy: Okay, that's it. I'm officially out of oxygen. Wanda: Well, I guess so. That must be the second balloon you've blown up today. Hank: Hey, do you think Lacey suspects anything? Brent: No. Are you kiddin'? She's gonna love this. Wanda: Oh! Here she comes now. Brent, Hank, Wanda: Surprise! Lacey Burrows: Oh, ho, you guys! Brent: Happy Birthday, Lacey. Lacey: Aaaahh! Oh, get away! Get away! Aaah! Brent: You see, she loves it. Lacey: I'm sorry, you guys. This is kind of embarrassing. You throw me a nice party and I throw a fit. Brent: Well, maybe a surprise party wasn't the best idea. Hank: Especially if you're feeling old. Lacey: I'm not feeling old. Hank: Oh, well, good. Because you don't look that old. Wanda: It's all relative, Lacey. What is old, anyways? I mean, the mountains are young compared to the stars. The fruit fly is... Lacey: I'm afraid of balloons! Hank: Afraid of balloons? Lacey: Uh-huh. Hank: Whoever heard of that? Brent: Wanda? Wanda: It's called globaphobia, the persistent, irrational fear of balloons. It's more common than you think. Brent: It'd have to be. Emma Leroy: What happened, Oscar? Oscar Leroy: He started it. Oscar: I'm telling ya, Stan, I set the course record. Stan: And I'm telling ya I need verification. Oscar: Are you calling me a liar? Stan: I'm saying you don't have any witnesses. Oscar: Well, you're about to witness yourself losing a customer. Stan: I let you play for free. Oscar: Not anymore you don't! Jackass! Oscar: He banned me. Emma: Even when you tell the story you sound like a crazy man. Oscar: I'm gonna build my own mini golf. Emma: Oscar, you can't go around making something every time someone makes you angry. You've got to stop with this revenge. Oscar: This is not about revenge. This is about gettin' even. Hank: Why is the fear of balloons called globaphobia? It should be called balloonaphobia. What's it called when you're afraid of globes? Brent: That's called cheeseaphobia. It's all very random. Hank: If you're afraid of globes, it should be called globaphobia. It makes no sense. Lacey: Well Hank, phobias are irrational. They don't have to make sense. Don't you guys have any? Brent: What, fears? Not really. I mean just the standard stuff, you know, pirates, vampires, sasquatch, intimacy, commitment. Lacey: What about you? Wanda: None come to mind. Being intimate with a sasquatch. Hank: I'm like Wanda. I don't have any fears. Brent: What about bees? Hank: I don't have any bees, either. Oh, fear of bees. Right, yeah. Brent: It's weird you'd forget your fear of bees, what, with you being deadly allergic to bees. Hank: Right, yeah. I'm just... You're still allergic to bees, right? Hank: Yeah, of course. That's why I don't have any. Wanda: What's that about? Hank: Oh. We were ten years old. Brent and I were playing miniature golf. I made a noise and Brent missed his putt and, well, he got really mad. So I told him I had seen a bee and that I'm allergic to bees. But I'm not. And I have carried that secret with me for, lo, these many years. Swear you won't tell him. Wanda: Tell him what? Hank: Thanks, Wanda. Wanda: Thanks for what? Hank: Oh, okay. I get it. This conversation never happened. Wanda: I wish that were true. Emma: You need something to take your mind off your anger, something to relax you, the way that cooking relaxes me. Oscar: Oh, great. I should take up cooking. Maybe I'll start a string of restaurants, wear an apron and one of those floppy white hats. Great solution. Emma: I didn't say you should cook. Oscar: You don't think I can cook? Emma: You can't cook. You don't have... Oscar: I'll show you who can cook. Emma: ...the patience. Wanda: Honestly, Hank, I really don't know what you're talking about. Hank: And I appreciate your pretending not to know what I'm talking about. Wanda: I'm going to pretend that you're not here. Hank: Ha, ha, ha. Okay. Hey. You guys hear about Lacey's globaphobia? Davis Quinton: Lacey's afraid of balloons? Karen Pelly: That doesn't make any sense. Davis: Well, phobias are irrational. Karen: Yeah, but the name should be rational. It should be balloonaphobia. Hank: Exactly. What if you're afraid of globes? Your phobia's nameless because the balloon people scooped it up already? Davis: Fear is natural. It's what makes us human. It's what separates us from the animals. Wanda: That and opposable thumbs. And pants. Hank: Rollerblading. Wanda: Any kind of bipedal locomotion. Karen: We can make fire. Animals can't make fire. Hank: Well, if you don't count dragons. Wanda: Actually, there's a lot that separate us from animals. Davis: You had me at pants. Brent: Sorry I wrecked your birthday party with balloons. I just, I never thought they'd be scary. You know, I can understand streamers. And those party hats are pretty pointy. You could take one of those in the eye. Lacey: Oh, it's just bizarre. I'm terrified of balloons. I don't know how it happened. Lacey's Mother: Happy Birthday, Lacey. Look, a zombie brought you balloons. Young Lacey: Aaaah! Lacey: That never happened. Brent: I know. I'm saying that's how it might have happened. Anyway, the point is, it's nothing to be ashamed of. Lacey: Do you really believe that? Brent: Not for a second. But I've learned that's a good thing to say in situations like this. Oscar: Karen. What's up? Karen: You wanted to file a complaint about being mistreated at the Mini Putt or something? Oscar: That was three hours ago. You're just gettin' here now? Karen: Yeah, well I guess Davis figured it was a stupid waste of his time and you'd complain about how your taxes pay for our salaries. So, when he discovered you were involved, he decided to give it a pass and sent me instead. Oscar: Apology accepted. Karen: So, what happened at the Mini Putt? Oscar: Forget that. I got cookin' to do. Karen: Cooking? Wanda: Do you think what Davis says is true? Brent: I doubt that "Battlestar Galactica" actually happened. Wanda: No, I mean...wait. Davis thinks "Battlestar Galactica" actually happened? Brent: He thinks "Battlestar Galactica" may have happened. Wanda: Oh. Well, I was referring to what he said about our fears making us human. Because I have no fears, none. I'm not scared of anything. So what does that make me? Brent: That makes you kinda scary. Bzzz, bzzz. Hank: Did you tell him about that bee thing? Wanda: Bee sting? What are you talking about? Hank: Oh...ha, ha. Wanda: Hey, Hank? Hank: Huh? Wanda: Do you think it's strange that I have no fears? Hank: No. It probably just means you're not fully human. Wanda: Oh. Hank: If it would help, we could ask everyone in town to try and scare ya. Wanda: Ah, no thanks. That doesn't make... Hank: Haassizaaah! Wanda: Oh! Hank: See, you're scared of stuff. Being scared is just a...aaah! Davis: Lacey, you got a second? Lacey: Sure. Davis: Oh, geez, this is awkward. Lacey: What is? Davis: I was thinking that maybe, uh, you and I could... Lacey: You and I could...? Davis: Oh, geez, this is hard for me to say. It's just, there's a place I'd like to take you. Lacey: Oh. Oh, Davis. Well, uh, I'm flattered. But... Karen (radio): Davis? Come in, Davis. Davis (radio): Go ahead, Karen. Karen (radio): We got a 10-19 in progress. Davis (radio): Trouble at the Mini Putt? I'm on my way. Brent: Anything? Wanda: It kinda tickles a little bit. Brent: Not afraid of spiders. Okay. Well, don't worry. We'll find somethin'. Oscar: I can hardly wait to see Emma's face when she tastes my cooking. Karen: Um, listen, Oscar, I would prefer if we didn't tell anyone I was cooking for you. Oscar: Done. Karen: Don't you want to know why? Oscar: Does it seem like I want to know why? Karen: I read an article that said career women shouldn't exhibit traditional woman skills like cooking, because it can undermine our status and we can lose respect from male colleagues. Oscar: Whatever you say, Toots. Brent: You sure this is a good idea? Wanda: It was your idea. Brent: Oh, yeah. Well, we have to see if you're afraid of heights. Come on, let's take the elevator right the very top of this thing. Wanda: Are you new to Saskatchewan? There's no elevator, just stairs. Brent: Not afraid of heights. Movin' on. Oscar: Well, dig in. Brent: Hey, it's actually good. Oscar: Try it, Wanda. What, are you scared? Wanda: Oh, I wish I were, Oscar, I really do. Hey, you're right. That is good. Oscar: And I did it all by myself, too. No help from Emma. Brent: Well, hey, Mom. Davis. What's up? Emma: After Oscar's rampage, I went down to Stan's to apologize... Davis: She punched him out. Emma: He was being a jackass! Oscar: Emma, Emma, Emma. Anger doesn't solve anything. Brent: Pot, this is Kettle. Kettle, this is Pot. Davis: I talked Stan out of pressing charges. But uh, Emma's not allowed back there anymore. Wanda: Is life without mini golf worth living? Brent: Can you even call it living? Emma: Oscar, I'm impressed. This is really tasty. Brent: Davis, if you're hungry, help yourself. Davis: All right! Hank: Look, there's somethin' I have to say. I'm not allergic to bees. I'm not even afraid of bees. I'm sorry I lied. Mertyl Runciman: Please leave me alone now. Hank: I just need some more practice. Davis: Can I help with the cleanup? Emma: No. You're a guest, Davis. Brent, help me clean up. Brent: How long do I have not live here before I'm a guest? How ya doin'? Scared? Wanda: Nope. Not claustrophobic either. Brent: Hmm, too bad. Wanda: Ah, what are ya gonna do? Emma: Oh, my God! Brent: Oh. Hey, Wanda? Wanda: What? Brent: Would you open this can of peanuts for me? Wanda: So a springy fake snake jumps out of me? Nice gag, Alfalfa. What's next, the fake gum that makes my teeth black? Brent: No. I'm saving that for Hank. Oscar: I'd like a peanut. Aah, geez! Brent: Dad, you were with me when I put the snake into the...never mind. Is there something you need? Oscar: It's your mother. She wants me out of the house while she cooks up a roast. I think she's jealous of my cooking skills. It's like somehow, in a way, me being a cook has taken away something that was her own. Wanda: That's nice you're concerned about her feelings. Oscar: Concerned? Heh! It cracks me up. Lacey: Oh. Hi, Davis. Sorry, I can't chat. We're just swamped in here today. Davis: I can't help but feel that you're avoiding me. Lacey: Oh, no. That's silly. I gotta go. Davis: Look, I really want to take you somewhere. It's in the City, but it kinda has to be tonight. Lacey: Okay. But just this once. Davis: All right. I'll pick ya up at 7:30. And, uh, don't tell anyone. Lacey: You can count on it. Davis: Hey, Emma. Keepin' outta trouble? Emma: Mind your own business. Lacey, you want to come for dinner tonight? Lacey: Oh. Is Oscar cooking? Because I heard... Emma: No, I'm cooking. Lacey: I can't. I have a date. No, not a date, a thing with, um, someone. Emma: You're a terrible liar. Lacey: I'm a good liar. Brent: Hey, Hank. Hank: Brent. Look, uh, there's somethin' I have to tell you. God, I don't even know where to begin. Um... Brent: You're not really afraid of bees? Hank: Okay. I'll start there. Brent, I'm not really scared of...hey. How did you know? Who squealed? Wanda? When did you figure it out? Brent: Probably 26 years ago, about two minutes after you told me you were allergic to bees. Young Hank: Look at me. I'm Winnie the Pooh. Brent: I realized at that moment you were either not allergic to bees or an idiot. I later replaced "or" with "and." Hank: That's pretty lousy, Brent. You know, I don't know if you'll ever be able to make this up to me. Brent: Free gum? Hank: Done. Lacey: Oscar, do you think I'm a good liar? Oscar: Ha ha! You're a terrible liar. The whole town knows it. Lacey: Really? Oscar: Before the balloon thing, that was the book on ya, "Lacey can't lie." Lacey: Oh. Oscar: And you think everyone has a crush on ya. Lacey: No, I don't. Oscar: Liar. Lacey: Hmm. Hank: Wanda, you say you're not scared of anything? Well, I got somethin' in this box that's gonna terrify ya. Wanda: DNA proof we're related? Hank: Just close your eyes. Okay, open 'em. Huh? Wanda: Hank, no one is afraid of globes. Brent: Still, though, I, I don't, I don't like the way it sits there just spinnin'. Like could you could you just take it take it away now! Hank: Oh, okay, fine. I don't know. Well, hey, when did you guys get that? Wanda: What? Hank: Hoowdaah! Wanda: Stop doing that! Oscar: Admit it. You hate it that I'm good at cooking. It bugs you. Emma: It does not! Damn pots! I'm gonna make my own pots! Oscar: You're acting like me. Emma: You take that back! You take that back or I'll ram this spatula down... Oscar: Oh, sure. Violence, that's your answer for everything. I thought cooking was supposed to relax you. Oh, Karen. Emma: Oh, hi, Karen. Karen: Oh. I thought Oscar was doing the cooking tonight. Emma: What if he was? Karen: Nothing. Nothing if he was. Emma: What's going on, Karen? Oscar: She's not doing the cooking for me, if that's what you're thinking? Karen: Good cover, Lacey. Emma: You two, sneaking around behind my back. Is my cooking not good enough for ya? You want something a little more spicy. Is that it? Oscar: I let you do the cleaning. Davis: So you see, everyone on earth could be descendents of the last surviving battlestar. Lacey: I didn't see where that was going. Now that you've explained it, I see it goes nowhere. Davis: So, did you tell anyone that you were coming with me? Lacey: No. Well, I kinda told Emma, but she didn't believe me. Davis: That's 'cause you're a lousy liar. Lacey: I am not! Why are you afraid of people knowing I'm with you? Davis: I just don't need people laughing at me, that's all. Lacey: And why exactly would people be laughing at you. Davis: Oh, they'd laugh if they knew. Lacey: Well, that's a fine thing to say. Davis: Here we are, my globaphobic support group. Lacey: Oh! Davis: Yeah. I got it pretty much under control, but every once in a while I need a little help. Why? What did you think? Lacey: Oh, nothing. I, I wasn't thinking anything. Davis: Aw, Lacey. Did you think I had a crush on you? Lacey: No. Davis: You're lyin'. Emma: And you'll all be happy to know that I decided to let Oscar cook tonight. Wanda: Great. Oh, uh, Emma, no. I, I mean, um... Emma: No. That's okay, Wanda. Dig in, everyone. You too, Oscar. Eat. Brent: Hmm, it's, uh it's, uh what's the word I'm looking for? Wanda: Repellent? Brent: Yeah. It tastes like bug repellent. Emma: No one leaves this table till they're done. And how are you doin'? Karen: You know this could undermine my credibility as a police officer. Emma: Keep scrubbin', Toots. Brent: Hey, did this support group of Davis's teach you anything? Lacey: Watch this. Brent: They taught you a magic trick? Lacey: No, Brent, they taught me how to not be afraid of balloons. Brent: Oh. Well, that's great. Lacey: The helium ones still bother me, though. So floaty. Brent: Well, you know, phobias are mysterious things. I mean, who knows how this weird balloon phobia of yours developed in the first place. Wanda: Experts have varying opinions on fear. Brent: Well it's good I don't have a fear of people poppin' up outta nowhere. Wanda: The cash register cable was loose. Anyway, no one really knows how phobias develop. All I know is I don't have any. Lacey: You're lucky. Fears are so silly. Brent: Yeah, especially yours. Lacey: Hey, come on. What about agoraphobia? Brent: Ah, yeah, fear of open spaces. That is ridiculous. Why would somebody be afraid of open space? Open space, open space... Category:Transcripts